Self-construction instead of mass-production.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Spoiled. Rotting.

Maybe it's because I'm nearing 30; maybe it's just because...but I keep realizing a lot of things about my life. It's like I suddenly see myself under a microscope. And I like it; but I hate it. It's hard to ingest truth when it rears it's undeniable and ugly head.

This is the latest little rearer: I am a spoiled rotten child.

My parents didn't/don't spoil me.

As the adult in charge of myself, I spoil myself. I allow myself to be lazy and stagnant. I allow myself to watch too many hours of TV and eat whatever I want and however much I want of it. I allow myself to party too hard and sleep too late.

I sit back and watch as my life goes no where. And I coddle myself. I say, "oh, that's OK that you did nothing challenging today." I tell myself, "well, you don't have any work to do that you're getting paid for today, so there is no need to use your brain today. Just watch some TV and play on the internet."

And there I sit; and there I rot.

I'm a terrible parent to myself. I hope to God if I have kids I treat them better than I do myself. Because good parents don't allow there children to rot. They challenge them, they make them do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities; they encourage them to try new things. Growth is not just encouraged; it's mandatory.

Do you have any idea how much I could have learned since I moved to CO 14 months ago? SO MUCH. At least one foreign language. I have always had so much free time here since work is sparse. I have wasted literally hundreds of hours, hundreds of days. It's disgusting to think about really. I feel like a more self-motivated person in my situation would have soaked up all those hours in learning and growing.

I am mad at myself. And I decided that I was going to change my ways...stop spoiling myself. Instead, love myself. Because I think good parenting comes from a deep rooted love. And I guess that's missing in me - for me.

It's hard though to change. Laziness and ambivalence have become a habit; a way of life that is hard to break. My brain overloads easily as I'm reading a lot now and trying to learn new skills. But I'm gonna keep pushing. Because I want to shine. I want to live.

I don't want to rot.

3 Comments:

Blogger Kelly T said...

So proud of you for the things you're willing to put out there for the world to read.

Take it or leave it, as I was reading I was thinking you should find a church that's great at community involvement. God designed us to serve and LOVE each other, and you would learn and grow and feel so much through helping others and spreading God's love to them!!

You might already do that, just had to throw in my two cents. Take it for what it's worth. =O) Love you friend!!

9:02 AM

 
Blogger tahj said...

I've been thinking of this a lot, too. A LOT. Definitely I have things I "should" be doing with my time, my mind, and my energy. Writing down goals, very specifically could help. Especially with projects that are huge and could feel overwhelming like learning a foreign language. I'm still working on that goal ;) Good luck. Let me know what works for you.

12:48 PM

 
Blogger Shyla said...

Again, you are challenging me to evaluate myself. Self motivation is always the most difficult thing. The status quo is so comfortable. May God strengthen you on your journey.

8:17 PM

 

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